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Grief and Guilt: The Weight of What-Ifs

Thu, 31 Jul 2025 18:11:11 GMT

Gried and Guilt: The Weight of What-Ifs

Guilt is a frequent companion to grief. Many grieving people wrestle with thoughts like I should have done more or Why didn’t I say/do something different? Even when there was nothing they could have changed, guilt has a way of creeping in, adding another layer to an already painful loss.

Why Guilt and Grief Go Hand in Hand

1. The Search for Control

Grief is chaotic, and guilt can feel like a way to impose order. If we believe we could have done something differently, it can create the illusion that we had more control than we actually did.

2. Unfinished Business

All relationships have their ups and downs. Whether it’s a past argument, missed phone call, or things left unsaid, the finality of loss can magnify any regrets we carry.

3. Survivor’s Guilt

Sometimes, guilt arises simply from surviving when someone else did not. This can be especially true after sudden or traumatic loss.

How to Cope with Grief-Related Guilt

1. Recognize That Guilt is a Symptom of Grief

Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you did something wrong—it means you’re mourning.

2. Ask Yourself: Would You Judge a Friend This Harshly?

Often, we hold ourselves to impossible standards. If a friend were in your shoes, would you blame them the same way? What would you say to them?

3. Write a Letter to Your Loved One

If you’re struggling with guilt over unfinished business, writing a letter to your loved one can help express lingering thoughts and emotions. Some people even just find talking out loud to their loved one can help.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Grief is hard enough without adding self-punishment. Try add some kindness to yourself. Recognize what you did or are doing well, and remind yourself of it often.

5. Talk About It

Guilt thrives in silence. Whether with a friend, therapist, or support group, saying your feelings out loud can help ease the weight of guilt.

Letting Go of Guilt

Grief and guilt often arrive together, but you don’t have to carry them both forever. With time, self-compassion, and support, you can begin to release the weight of what-ifs and allow yourself to grieve with greater gentleness.

The Hidden Losses of Grief: Understanding Secondary Losses

Thu, 27 Mar 2025 14:14:16 GMT

More Than One Loss

Grief is often thought of as the pain we feel after losing a loved one. But grief isn’t just about the person who died —it’s also about everything that went with them. The routines you shared, the roles you played, the future you imagined, and even the relationships that shift in the aftermath. These are known as secondary losses, and they can be just as difficult as the primary loss itself.

Secondary losses are often not antcipated. You might expect to grieve your loved one, but you may not anticipate the deep loneliness that comes from losing the small daily interactions you had with them. You might feel the pain of losing not just a spouse, parent, or friend, but also the identity that came with being their partner, caregiver, or confidant. These hidden losses can make grief feel even heavier, and understanding them can help you navigate this challenging time.

What Are Secondary Losses?

Grief touches every part of life, which means secondary losses can take many forms. Some of the most common include:

· Loss of roles: If you were a caregiver, a partner, or a child who looked to a parent for guidance, that role is now different—or gone entirely. Adjusting to life without that identity can feel disorienting and painful.

· Loss of routines: Grief often disrupts the everyday patterns of life. The morning coffee you always shared, the Sunday phone calls, the daily check-ins—small but meaningful aspect of our lives.

· Loss of relationships: Some friendships and family connections change after a loss. People may not know how to support you, or they may distance themselves. Others may expect you to grieve on their timeline, making it harder to maintain those relationships.

· Loss of security: This could be financial, especially if the person who died contributed to household income. It could also be emotional—the feeling that you had a safe and predictable life before this loss.

· Loss of future plans: Every loss changes the future. Dreams you shared, trips you planned, milestones you expected to celebrate together—these losses can hit unexpectedly, sometimes long after the initial grief has subsided.

The Emotional Impact of Secondary Losses

Secondary losses can feel like waves that keep coming, even when you think you’ve found solid ground. Because they are not always acknowledged by others, they can feel isolating. But just like the primary loss, they deserve space and recognition.

Navigating Secondary Losses: Practical Advice

· Name and validate the losses. It may help to make a list of the secondary losses you’re experiencing. Acknowledging them can bring clarity and help you acknowledge the many losses you have.

· Create new routines and roles. While the old ones may never be replaced, finding small ways to establish new patterns can bring a sense of stability. This could be as simple as a new morning ritual or a different way of honoring your loved one’s memory.

· Seek out supportive relationships. Some connections may change, but new ones can also emerge. Finding people who understand grief—whether through support groups, therapy, or trusted friends—can help ease the loneliness.

· Give yourself permission to grieve these losses. Just because they aren’t always talked about doesn’t mean they aren’t real. Allow yourself to mourn what has changed, just as you mourn the person you lost.

· Consider professional support. If secondary losses feel overwhelming or make it difficult to function, a grief counselor can help you process them and find ways to cope.

Grief Is Layered, But Healing Is Possible

Grief is never just about one loss. It’s about all the pieces of life that shift and change in the wake of that loss. If you find yourself grieving things beyond the person who died, know that you are not alone. Be patient with yourself as you navigate these changes, and remember that support is available when you need it.

Creating a Grief Support Network

Sat, 20 Jul 2024 04:00:00 GMT

Written by our in-house Grief Counselor, Amanda Nelsen.

As a grief therapist, I have found that people who have, or are able to create, a support network for themselves after a death of a loved one seem to have better outcomes in their grief overall. It can be key to helping yourself through the dark days. Below are some ideas to help you start or grow your own network.

1. Grief is isolating and connection is healing. Often we isolate ourselves when we are experiencing a lot of pain from grief. Many people will find a natural support network among their friends and family. Allow yourself to open up to those closest to you, even if it feels uncomfortable and not natural at first.

2. Groups and professionals. In addition to connecting with those you know and love, it can also be helpful to connect with a support group of others who are also navigating their grief. Support groups can provide a sense of community and understanding that you may not have with those already in your life. In addition, a professional, like a therapist or social worker, may also provide a safe space for you to explore your emotions and navigate the challenges of grief.

3. Acknowledge and express your emotions. There are a LOT of emotions that come with grief. Anger, sadness, shame, guilt, joy, relief, irritation, numbness, and so much more. Allow yourself to express and process all those emotions – and when you are ready, share them with those around you. It’s hard for others to support you if they don’t know what you are going through.

4. Express your needs clearly. Communication is key when you are building your support network. Your loved ones can’t help you if they don’t know what you want from them. Of course, this can be complicated when we aren’t even sure what we need or want, but even letting others know that YOU don’t know can be helpful.

5. Have flexibility and patience – with yourself and others. As you’ve probably discovered, grieving is very individual and everyone grieves at their own pace. People in your network will all be grieving differently. Holding space for compassion and understanding for them (and yourself) will be essential.

6. Share memories and create new traditions together. You might want to ask your support system to help you create a scrapbook, or organize a memorial event, or find other rituals that hold meaning to you. Having shared experiences strengthens your connection with others who also might be grieving.

7. Find ways to GIVE support. Many times when we are grieving we find it hard to think about others, because we are so full of pain ourselves or are just focused on surviving the next day. But when we find some space to help others, we usually find some healing. It might not seem like much, but dropping off a meal or a sending a text can really uplift someone else.

8. Setting boundaries within your support system. While support and connection are vital to grief, setting healthy boundaries is also important. You might want to keep certain memorial rituals to yourself, or carve out alone time. You may need specific types of support (and not want others). And this all might change over time. Check in with yourself regularly to figure out what boundaries are healthy for you, and then communicate them clearly to those around you.

9. Acknowledge and celebrate resilience and growth. Grief is about loss, but it can also be about resilience and growth. Find ways to celebrate the small moments with your support network. Share stories of strength and survival. Make healing a collaborative process – we can find solace in the journey of remembering our loved ones.

Essential Living Before Inevitable Dying

Wed, 31 Mar 2021 04:00:00 GMT

In the last few paragraphs of Greg McKeown’s book, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less , the author tells a heartbreaking story of a man whose three-year-old daughter has died. The father wished to put together a slideshow of her little life to play at her funeral. He had documented on his camera every outing he’d ever taken with his daughter, and he had hours of footage. But as he scrolled through the thousands of photos and videos, he realized, with growing alarm, that nearly all the images he had captured were of the sights, views, meals, and landmarks of their trips. He had practically no close-up images of his daughter. He had failed to recognize what was essential in his life until she was gone.

Essentialism, according to McKeown, is about distilling one’s life down to its essence. It’s about teasing out – from the many trivial tasks, obstacles, requests, expectations, assumptions, and distractions – the essential few things that make your unique life worth living. It’s about embracing a life of meaning, simplicity, and contentment. It’s about figuring out what’s important to you, and eliminating the rest.

Crisis as Separation and Opportunity

Our collective COVID-19 crisis has been frustrating, at best, and devastating, at worst. We have had to contend with the loss of loved ones, jobs, safety, and our comfortable and predictable ways of life. We have had to oversee and facilitate our childrens’ virtual school while working from home. We have had to isolate from family and friends. We have had to grapple with our psychological, spiritual, and physical health more than ever before.

The etymology of the word “crisis” is revealing: krinein , it’s Greek root, means “to judge, to distinguish, to separate.” A crisis asks us to separate from the deadening aspects of our lives. It offers us the threshold to choose that which no longer serves us to be burned up in the fire of inner transformation. In that choice, and in the loss that follows, there is opportunity. As Alexander Graham Bell famously said, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” The COVID-19 crisis has literally and figuratively closed many doors, but it has also opened one very special doorway: the opportunity into our true, authentic, purpose-filled lives.

Explore

McKeown suggests stepping into essentialism by first exploring the tangled details of our current lives and systematically parsing out “the trivial many from the vital few.” Take time to step back from your daily obligations, declare yourself unavailable, and discover, through play and patience, what’s important to you.

Play

As Roald Dahl once said, “A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men.” It’s easy, as over-functioning and stress-filled adults, to become so goal-oriented that we forget about pure leisure. Play, defined as any enjoyable activity with no discernable objective or outcome, may seem non-essential at first glance, but McKeown argues that play fires up the brain, sparks exploration, and leads to deep insight and action. Play is crucial to self-inquisition and self-knowledge; it is fundamental to sparking creative energy and engaging in the purposeful work that follows.

Wait

In her lyrical book, When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life’s Sacred Questions , Sue Monk Kidd describes waiting as a liminal state of being, a cocooning from the external demands of the world, and a drawing inward into the shadowy, murky, liquefaction of one’s highly curated ego, in order to emerge transformed and more alive than before. She likens spiritual waiting to the yeasting of bread, a vital chemistry of living transformation that we cannot see, but rather must trust in its alchemic process. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” Sometimes, in order to know what to do next, we must be still, receptive, and open to our own inner direction and the mysterious guidance from beyond.

Eliminate

After exploration, McKeown encourages eliminating extraneous aspects of one’s life. Practice asserting boundaries, uncommitting to previous engagements, cutting your losses, and very often, simply saying, “no” in the first place. He uses the powerful example of Rosa Park’s graceful, courageous, and far-reaching “no” when asked to move from her seat on the bus. For most of us, most of the time, saying “no” results in trading the initial exhilaration of people-pleasing (which inevitably is followed by regret and resentment anyway) for the conviction of deliberate choice, the serenity of self-respect, and the freedom of rigorous honesty. But sometimes, as Rosa Parks exemplifies, a simple “no” can even change the course of history.

Edit

Editing one’s life down to its essence is the disciplined elimination practice critical to the path of essentialism. In his famous book, On Writing, Stephen King encourages writers to “kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler’s heart, kill your darlings,” for he insists that “to write is human; to edit is divine.” It can be painful to edit one’s writing, just as it can be painful to edit one’s life of people, events, commitments, and habits, especially when those elements are good (albeit not essential ). But McKeown argues that while eliminating non-essentials can be painful in the moment, clearing out one’s life will ultimately create joy and freedom, because all of that extra time and energy you have revealed can be spent doing something better.

Sunk Cost Bias

McKeown also describes the psychological phenomenon of sunk cost bias , which he defines as “the tendency to continue to invest time, money, or energy into something we know is a losing proposition simply because we have already incurred, or sunk, a cost that cannot be recouped.” Be courageous and cut your losses, he argues, in order to free up your time, money, and energy to invest in something more essential.

Status Quo Bias

Similarly, he warns of becoming trapped in the status quo bias , or “the tendency to continue doing something simply because we have always done it,” as well as succumbing to the fear of missing out, or FOMO . Dare to uncommit to the past if it’s no longer essential, he says, and venture to let go of future non-essential commitments. See for yourself if your absence has any effect whatsoever on your own happiness or the true needs of others.

Trading Popularity for Respect

Setting boundaries with those who hijack your time and energy can come at a high price: the recipient of your “no” may rebuke, guilt, or punish you with hostility, criticism, or silence, especially if you have already established yourself in the relationship as a people-pleaser. However, says Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, authors of the book Boundaries , the price of not establishing limits with others costs more. Victimization, envy, resentment, and rage are just some of the reactive emotions that build up over time into a form of complicated grief when our boundaries are porous or non-existent. We may think we are being kind in saying yes to others’ needs, but unless our “yes” really comes from our own hearts’ desire, what we are really being is compliant, avoidant, and dishonest. Alternatively, getting clear and communicating honestly about who you are and what you want brings you into the oneness of your own integrity.

Execute

Moving forward in action is the last phase of adopting the essentialist way. After identifying what’s important to you, and after cutting out what’s not important, taking small and focused action in your essentialist activities is the last piece of the puzzle.

Progress, not Perfection

Starting with a small goal, McKeown says, and getting big results eventually over time is more of an essentialist practice than attempting flashy goals and falling short. Acknowledging small wins and celebrating progress keeps us motivated and focused, and we must relinquish perfectionism in favor of it. Perfectionism is not a healthy pursuit of excellence; rather, it is obsessive, addictive, and can lead to an internal pressure-cooker situation. Brene Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection , calls perfectionism “the 20-ton shield,” which we wield to protect us from rejection, blame, and judgement. She says that “when perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun.” Let go of impossible standards, practice humility over grandiosity, hold self-compassion close, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Flow

According to McKeown, establishing routines, rituals, and rhythms in your life can reduce repetitive and energy-zapping decision-making and will free up mental space for decisions that count. For example, streamlining repetitive tasks like sleeping, eating, dressing, and working into ritualized processes, and thereby stepping into a mental flow of doing, rather than thinking, can give you the equivalent of an “energy rebate,” that we can put toward essential activities that require our creative and intellectual mind.

During his two-term presidency, Barack Obama restricted his wardrobe to only gray or blue suits. “I’m trying to pare down decisions,” he told Vanity Fair. “I don’t want to make decisions about what I’m eating or wearing, because I have too many other decisions to make.” Similarly, Mark Zuckerberg, in his predictable gray t-shirt, and Steve Jobs, in his trademark black turtleneck, favor(ed) essential business-oriented mental activity over frivolous decision-making, thereby staving off “decision fatigue,” a term used by psychologists to describe the energy depletion we experience when repetitively focusing our willpower on miniscule or meaningless things.

Focus

Larry Gelwix, longtime coach of Highland High School’s highly successful rugby team, attributes his nearly unrivaled 36-year winning streak to a single guiding principle neatly packaged into a memorable acronym: WIN – What’s Important Now? By zeroing into the present moment and asking yourself this question often, right now even, you can almost effortlessly prioritize the essential thing to do. Drifting into anxieties or hopes of the future, or regrets or nostagia of the past, will only serve to distract you from your immediate life, which is happening right now.

The ancient Greeks used two words, chronos and kairos, to describe time. Chronos refers to literal clock time: the chronological, linear, and measurable path of life from youth to old age, morning to night. In contrast, kairos refers to a more qualitative, mystical, and poetic time of right now . It’s the best time, the right time, the opportune moment. Resisting distraction from the past or future, and tuning into the intense kairos quality of now, is how essentialists focus their attention.

An Invitation

The simple way of the essentialist, according to McKeown, offers a life of clarity, meaning, courage, and gratitude. Imagine if the father, whose young daughter had died, had had the clarity to have asked himself, in those precious fleeting moments, what is essential?

Blame: A Great Indicator to Look Within

Tue, 17 Nov 2020 05:00:00 GMT

Dear Ted,

There have been so many upset people in the media, within our families and in our communities. I am observing people getting so angry, being super sensitive and feeling resentful toward others. What is going on? I know you can’t answer that, but how do you see our world moving through this difficult time? Thank you and I look forward to seeing how you answer this.

Thank you, What’s going on?

—

Dear What’s Going On,

I love the name you chose. It is a very good question and many many difficult issues are in the world right now. Part of the difficulty stems from the inundation of negative information from the media, at the coffee shop or even in our own homes. Biologically, living things (That includes humans!) lean towards whatever or wherever the energy is being resourced. Sorry to say, there is a lot of energy around these negative events and it seems as if it has become easier to move towards that negative energy rather than finding positive energy to focus on. Positive energy allows choice, creativity and passion to bloom every day we are gifted with life.

Often you may have a temper tantrum when the world isn’t going the way you want it to. A conscious or unconscious expectation that an external source will take you’re your discomfort can develop. What is an external source? Blaming others, demanding others change or serve, wanting the world to do things differently than they are are all good examples of looking to external sources for change.

Other external sources can be emotional distractors. These come in the form of addictions. These can manifest as alcohol, substances, gambling, internet, drama, shopping, and any other distractions you may use to avoid the present issue.

The problem is, when the distractor is gone, the issue is still staring you down. Realizing, as you mature, that the only true place that peace can happen is inside you leads to the realization that the only true rescue comes from your self with supports from the outerworld. Look at healthy boundaries, ask yourself where you can empower yourself and what kind of action can you take for a one step at a time type of philosophy.

The world has become too comfortable with blaming others and demanding discomfort be taken away by others. The problem is that this just leads to more discomfort. People make mistakes and are navigating their own stressors. Possibly others are dealing with trauma in their present life and you may not be the top priority. Perhaps there was an oversight and you felt wounded and forgot that others matter as well.

Remembering that each person is doing the best they can in that moment will help you to first, look inside yourself and see what you can do in this situation rather than demand others to take the pain away. Each person is navigating a very full plate. Perhaps people around you will be able to support you well or change some of their actions, but really, the only person who can take your dis-ease away is yourself. Empower yourself to find joy and happiness within. It does not come from external sources.

The feeling of anger, irritation or frustration is a good reminder to look within yourself spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically and see where there is room to support yourself, ask for help, and have empathy for others. This formula will allow serenity within, no matter how little peace there is in the outer world. I wish you well.

Until next week, take care,

Ted

This article was published in The Taos News on August 16, 2016, and is republished here with permission by the writer, Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat, a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Visit goldenwillowretreat.com/media-blog/teds-archived-articles/ for more of Ted’s articles.

Grief, Addiction, and Courage in Allowing Mistakes

Thu, 05 Nov 2020 05:00:00 GMT

Dear Ted,

As I unravel my escapades from this last year, I see I may have caused a lot of havoc in my grief from some losses and then in my addictive behavior that followed those losses. I find myself hesitant to make any decisions now as I’m afraid of the ripple effect that my actions may have on others. I know this is rather ambiguous, but what do you have to say about my situation.

Thanks, Zack

—

Dear Zack,

Thank you for your insights into your year long process. This may be more common that you realize. You bring up a two part situation, but it seems to be two sides of the same coin. A loss can activate addictive tendencies and when these are acted upon they can cause problems for you as well as the people around you. This can cause more loss, deeper grief and possibly increased addictive actions.

This is a tough hole to climb out of, but I have the privilege to watch people successfully recover and miraculously build a healthy and full life. The grief process, after a loss, can be rather self-centered as the brain is in a high-alert mode and is working overtime in survival mode. Cognitively your brain looks for ways you have survived in the past and these may include survival skills that are actually detrimental such as addictive tendencies.

I am one who believes addiction is a disease that one can manage similar to something like diabetes, but the person must maintain disciplines to keep a balanced and healthy program. With a loss there may be a level of unbalancing that can cause relapse due to high impulsivity and historical “survival skills” that may, in reality, be non-productive and be an unhealthy reaction to the present situation.

Grandiosity (thinking the world is centered on one’s self) becomes a problem when our unconscious actions, due to the pain of our loss, inflicts difficulty on others as well as yourself. Grandiosity is not being mindful of others and has a level of hyper focus that does not allow one to see the ripple affect one’s actions may have on others. On the other hand in the midst of remorse, guilt, and/or shame; you may feel so afraid of the pain of these emotions, you now think anything you do will wreak such havoc that you won’t do anything at all out of fear of the repercussions for you or others. Most people don’t think of this as grandiosity, but stop and think about it. If you believe your decisions and actions are going to have such an enormous impact on the world, than you are still very large in your smallness! As that coin of grandiosity is flipping through the air as you experience your emotional turmoil, take a moment to remember you are doing the best you can. Each person owns their own emotions, amends can be made, and stepping back into a conscious life is the first step. Walking through the resistance of making decisions and taking action is important and trying to be mindful with pure intentions may reopen doors into a healthy and worthwhile life as you participate in life that helps others as well as your own healthy growth. Not participating in your life as well as other’s lives can be detrimental – just like unconscious grandiose behavior.

Find the balance and take time to gather information, process that information and then have the bravery to respond and take action. This will allow you to have permission to succeed, make mistakes, and truly live.

Until next week, take care.

Ted

This article was published in The Taos News on September 10, 2015, and is republished here with permission by the writer, Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat, a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Visit goldenwillowretreat.com/media-blog/teds-archived-articles/ for more of Ted’s articles.

Sitting in the Unknown Can Be Difficult

Fri, 23 Oct 2020 04:00:00 GMT

Dear Ted,

There seem to be many sad events happening in our community right now and after reading the Taos News last week, my heart aches with some very tragic stories that I feel I cannot do anything about. I can only sit and wait. I feel intense anxiety within my psyche and feel irritated and kind of like I’m “crawling out of my skin.” I also don’t feel quite as safe within the town I love so dearly. Am I the only one feeling like this? Can you give me some insight into what might be happening within my internal world? I usually feel pretty calm inside.

Thank you,

Roberta

—

Dear Roberta,

I had written a different article for this week but your question has definitely taken precedence. This feels like a precarious time due to the many different events that have surfaced in our community of Northern New Mexico. This is typical. No matter where we live, a community will feel the grief of the individual and the community turmoil when a number of difficult stories accumulate over a short period of time.

Research demonstrates that people have a tendency of absorbing the emotions of those around them. They then feel the same types of feelings. So when a large portion of the community is feeling helplessness, sadness, dismay, and loss of control, it is normal and appropriate to have similar feelings or to even compound the complex feelings you already have.

One of the most difficult processes for your brain to handle is the unknown. The brain is always interpreting data in order to keep you safe in the world. When these sorts of events happen there is a feeling of less safety and the brain goes into hyper-alert gear. It is looking for some sort of action to take in order to relieve the discomfort of the unknown. This is difficult because there may be no action to help fix the situation. A feeling of futility may step in to take the place of the anxiety. You expressed it well by saying, “I’m crawling out of my skin.”

There will often be situations that you cannot fix in the present situation. This doesn’t mean you cannot ease the discomfort. Our psyche/unconscious can be very childlike and wants the brain to do something to ease the discomfort. A profound tool all of us have is choice and in most situations we have the ability to choose our next action. We may not be able to choose the outcome but we can choose the next action. When we choose the next action and attempt to follow through with that action, the sub-conscious can feel protected to some degree and ease off of the demand that the brain fix it now. It is important to make choices that are attainable rather than taking action that sets up failure. Failure will only reinforce the feeling of futility and anxiety. Choices and actions do not need to be gigantic. As a matter of fact, it is usually the simple and doable choices that lead to profound outcomes due to one conscious choice at a time.

Perhaps you will choose to pray, light a candle, gather more information or connect with other like-minded people. Self-care is always important in order to make healthy and conscious decisions. When we are left with unknown outcomes, we need to take the time to decide what the next step is and how that leads to future goals. Then we need to focus on that next step. This will allow the unknown to evolve into the known and your psyche and brain will work together rather than against each other. I wish you well.

Until next time, take care.

Ted

This article was published in The Taos News on May 26, 2016, and is republished here with permission by the writer, Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat, a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Visit goldenwillowretreat.com/media-blog/teds-archived-articles/ for more of Ted’s articles.

I Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death

Mon, 19 Oct 2020 04:00:00 GMT

Gained in Translation

There’s an Italian proverb, “traduttore, traditore,” which American Rabbi Harold Kushner mentions in his book, The Lord is My Shepherd . It means, “to translate is to betray.” Usually, Kushner says, even the best translation will never completely capture the essence of the author’s original words.

In contrast, the translators of the 23rd Psalm from its original Hebrew to the English King James’ Bible have actually made a key phrase in this verse more poetic , more revealing , and more faithful than the original: a rare translational feat.

According to most Biblical scholars, the original Hebrew word used in this verse was salmawet (צַלְמָוֶת) , which means “deep darkness.” However, in the translation, the word was interpreted as two words: sel (צל) , which means “shadow,” and mawet (מות‎), which means “death.”

Shadow and Light

Through this improvement in translation, we come to understand that the shadow of death is the knowledge of our own, and our loved one’s, mortality. It’s our knowledge that death will come.

The story of God warning Adam and Eve that once they eat from the tree of knowledge, they will die, illustrates the kind of metaphorical death the knowledge of our own mortality brings about. Knowing we will die, and knowing those we love will die, casts a dark, frightening shadow into what would otherwise be our life’s sunny days.

Kushner suggests that people may react in several ways when contemplating the inevitability of death, or, in Biblical terms, when eating from the tree of knowledge of good (life) and evil (death).

This third choice, says Kushner, may be what Psalm 90:12 is telling us with the words, “ Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom .” The knowledge of death, which elevates human beings from the rest of the animal kingdom, may be an opportunity for us to live better lives. It may not be bad; it may in fact be good.

The story goes that at the end of each day of creation, God proclaims, t ov meo d (טוֹב מְאוֹד) , which means, “very good.” However, scholar Rabbi Meir interprets those words as tov mot (טוב מות) , meaning, “death is good.”

A shadow cannot exist without the presence of light. Grief cannot exist without the presence of love. We experience the shadow of the valley of death only if we have already allowed our lives to be imbued by the joy of love and light. Pleasure and pain are two sides of the same coin. Choosing numbness over openheartedness may protect ourselves from pain, but it will also starve ourselves of pleasure. Death casts a shadow, but only within the light, our natural state within which we can fully embrace the richness of life.

Through

Kushner points out that there is one word in this psalm that is often overlooked: through . Grief is not meant to be an endless valley of despair. We are not meant to linger there forever. We move through the valley, however painfully, but we come out the other side, ever changed.

He suggests several reasons we might feel powerless to walk through the shadows, or why we might feel comfortable settling in the valley.

Kushner reassures us that while we indeed grieve the loss of our loved one’s future years, we also inherit those years, and we honor our loved ones best by living those years as meaningfully as we can. We pay tribute to our deceased loved ones by living in the light, because they no longer can, and because this is what they would want for us. We remember our loved ones by pausing in their memory on special days, noticing the beauty of nature and feeling a bittersweet gratitude, or perceiving a sacred synchronicity in our life that can only be explained by our unending connection with them.

This key verse of the 23rd Psalm transcends religion, and its wisdom is available to all of us. I walk through the valley of the shadow of death gives us permission to use our awareness of the shadow of death to immerse ourselves in the illuminating light of life.

Día de los Muertos (Day of the Dead)

Mon, 12 Oct 2020 04:00:00 GMT

The Guest House, by Rumi

Fri, 02 Oct 2020 04:00:00 GMT

The Guest House This being human is a guest house.Every morning a new arrival.A joy, a depression, a meanness,some momentary awareness comesas an unexpected visitor.Welcome and entertain them all!Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,who violently sweep your houseempty of its furniture,still, treat each guest honorably.He may be clearing you outfor some new delight.The dark thought, the shame, the malice.meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.Be grateful for whatever comes.because each has been sentas a guide from beyond.— Jellaludin Rumi, translated into English by Coleman Barks

Asking for Help Takes Bravery and Can Save a Life

Mon, 28 Sep 2020 04:00:00 GMT

Dear Ted,

I have spent the last four years pretending that everything is okay and going well. I am starting to realize I am exhausted and emotionally depleted. I had a couple of losses and tried to bury them and now I see my actions seem to be causing more and more problems. I’m not sure if I have an exact question but could you try to expand on the issue of trying to step back into the world after loss?

Thank you, Bob

—

Dear Bob,

I’m glad you have reached out; your note shows a common path in which a loss can lead to more and more losses. It can be almost like a whirling dervish that is wreaking havoc in your life. When you have a loss in your life certain parts of your brain shut down and move into survival mode. This can cause impairment in areas of your life such as executive functioning (logistical navigation of your day), and decision-making. Loss may impact the brain in a way that leads to loss of short-term memory, high irritability, hypersensitivity, and impulsive decision-making and actions. It is almost like a flight control tower with impaired workers running the show.

The problem is – you may not know you are impaired at the time and this can easily lead to new losses as decisions and actions are not coming from your usual state of mind. Self-esteem can fall as well, especially if you don’t have the knowledge that, in loss, the brain does these interesting things. As self-esteem falls, isolation can increase and soon, you find yourself in a isolatory bubble that you feel you can’t get out of and nobody can come in. It is kind of like having a messy house that you can’t clean up but you would hate for somebody to see it that way.

In this state, addictive tendencies, depression, and self-hatred, and other negative actions can cause a downward spiral that feels endless. The key here is to go against your protection of isolation and reach out for help from healthy friends, professionals, family, and others. In finding healthy people outside yourself, you can slowly start to step out of your story and heal. If you remain caught in that isolatory bubble, it can lead to poor decision-making, suicidal thinking, addictive actions, relapse, and other negative processes that feed the isolation. By reaching out, you can clean your internal house, give the brain a chance to re-open clearer and healthier thinking and possibly save your life and/or in the process, save another. Clear and conscious decisions and actions will help us all be more mindful and safe. Thanks for reaching out and I wish you well.

Until next week, take care,

Ted

This article was published in The Taos News on October 22, 2015, and is republished here with permission by the writer, Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat, a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Visit goldenwillowretreat.com/media-blog/teds-archived-articles/ for more of Ted’s articles.

Writing Your Own Obituary

Mon, 21 Sep 2020 04:00:00 GMT

The first known obituary dates back to about 60 BC, found carved into the stone and metal tablets hung in the Forum of Julius Caesar’s ancient Rome. The obits section of these “early newspapers” was considered part of Rome’s social news, listed alongside gladiator battle results and notable marriage announcements.

In the 1600s in London, England, a weekly Bill of Mortality was issued, informing citizens of the scores of deaths attributed to plague, tuberculosis, tooth and worms, scurvy, measles, lethargy, grief, fainting, excessive drinking, smothering, fright, and even “lunatick.”

In the 1800s in America, journalists began imbuing their reported deaths with more description and storytelling, often attributing much “bravery” to departed men and “gentleness” to departed women.

During the Industrial Revolution of the early 1900s, obituaries began focusing more on the deceased’s legacy of professional accomplishments, specifically the amount of money they’d earned in their career and the number of years they’d worked. *

Today, most obituaries are written by the family members of the deceased, rather than by journalists. While many obituaries continue to embrace the traditional formula of presenting biographical details, achievements, and lists of family names, others are becoming increasingly personal, choosing to explore and reveal a deeper essence and meaning of the deceased’s life.

More radical still, are the autobiographical obituaries, which offer the writer a chance to share with the world special messages, including life lessons, memories they hold dear, and gratitude for others.

Tips for Writing Your Own Obituary

Here are some examples of enlivened obituaries that might prove inspirational. Happy reading, happy writing, and happy living.

William P. Wilson

Emily Phillips

Diane Dennedy-Frank

Jane Catherine Lotter

* Referenced from a 2015 article written by Melissa Batchelor Warnke, titled “The Evolving Obituary,” and published by Pacific Standard.

RAIN Meditation for Grief

Fri, 18 Sep 2020 04:00:00 GMT

The visceral experience of grief within one’s body, mind, and soul has often been compared to weather phenomena: a tidal wave, a raging storm, or even a gentle breeze.

Sometimes grief appears suddenly, without warning, seemingly out of nowhere. Other times grief can be seen from a distance, anticipated with an arising feeling of unease, restlessness, or discontentment. Sometimes the power of grief overtakes us, knocks us over, leaves us breathless with fear and despair. Other times it moves softly through our heart, leaving us full of bittersweet gratitude for the past and wistfulness for the loss of the future.

RAIN Meditation for Grief

Whether grief feels overwhelmingly painful or gently melancholic, it presents an opportunity to the griever to practice a very special meditation called RAIN.

RAIN, an acronym that stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture, is a mindfulness tool developed by psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach, of Washington, D.C.

Practicing RAIN may help those experiencing grief find a little detachment. It may help those in pain find a little self-compassion. It may help those gripped by regret for the past or longing for the future find a little presence.

R – Recognize

The first step of RAIN is to recognize what is happening within me now. What thoughts, emotions, behaviors, or physical sensations are beginning to arise within me? Is my mind racing with a story? Do I feel overwhelmed by the unfairness of my situation? Do I feel numb, irritable, enraged, or despairing? Am I overworking, drinking, or eating to numb out? Practice recognizing what’s going inside by mentally noting, whispering out loud, or writing a few words on a piece of paper. Name it: … feel hopeless… want to escape… confused… want to cry. Simply note what is coming up – without judgement, without labeling anything “good” or “bad.”

A – Allow

The second step of RAIN is to allow the experience to be there. I say “yes” or “it’s OK” to this moment, however uncomfortable. I accept that there is a disturbance within me. I surrender all resistance. The act of allowing may create even a tiny bit of space between me and the storm of grief moving through me. Breathe. Repeat “I can allow this” each time you exhale.

I – Investigate

Now, I deepen my recognition of what’s happening by bringing my awareness more fully into the physical experience of grief. I move my attention from inside my mind to inside my body. What do I feel, somatically? I investigate deeper by becoming curious about what is really happening within me now. Is my throat choked? My heart pounding? Is there pain, numbness, pressure, fluttering, tightness, or aching? These physical sensations are an inner embodiment of my emotions. see *Note for further explanation

N – Nurture

The last step of RAIN is to nurture myself through the experience. Can I bring loving kindness to my experience of grief? Can I wrap my pain with warm arms of comfort, courage, and compassion? Can I detach from and witness the sensations without judgement as they pass through me? Can I relax and be gentle with myself as I undergo this process?

After the RAIN

There’s often a feeling of freshness after a rain. The blacktop smells smoky. The air feels dewy. The breeze is new. The sun shines down and invisibly lifts the last traces of water from the earth. The memory of the dark storm may still be there, visible above but moving slowly onward.

The storms of grief moving through us can leave us feeling shaken, tired, and drained. Yet, grief is also a purification, a burning away of the hardness in our hearts. Grief can be a spiritual cleansing that, if we can relax through it, can open our hearts to love, strength, and being. As Rumi says, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

* Note: Why not investigate mentally, intellectually, or psychologically? Why not dive deep into the “why” of my experience rather than the “what” ? The answer, according to Tara Brach, is twofold:

The investigate step of RAIN is not a mental analysis, nor is it an opportunity to gather psychological information. It’s not about finding the childhood roots or causes and effects. It’s not an exploration of my personality, my history, or my beliefs. Feeling my grief as pure energetic emotion, and locating it in my body, is the key to this practice.

Present Triggers Spark Memories and Feelings

Wed, 09 Sep 2020 04:00:00 GMT

Q & A with Ted Wiard , LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat, a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss.

Dear Ted,

My life has had a lot of loss, especially in the last five years. My most recent loss was a year ago when my husband passed away. Due to many family members needing my support at this time, I really didn’t have a lot of time or space to truly grieve my husband. Perhaps that sounds crazy or even cold, but it is true. The very real and present demands could not be ignored. They were life and death decisions and needed immediate tending to. My anniversary is coming up and I have been feeling a lot of different emotions and dropping deeply into a place of grief. This surprised me. It has been a year and I hadn’t been consciously planning on working with this loss now. Do you have any thoughts about this?

Thank you,

Full but Open

—

Dear Full but Open,

What you have chosen to name yourself seems very appropriate. It sounds like loss has been very busy in your personal world over the last many years. Your life is very full and yet you show your openness by sending me this question. Life can be so full sometimes that it is difficult to stop and work with emotional stressors in your life. You may be told, “You’re too busy, you are just running away, or you need to rest.” Some, or all of these, may be true and yet there are times in our life when stopping and truly emotionally dropping into a healing process may be impossible.

I remember clearly, after my first wife had died, these well-meant nuggets of advice were readily given to me, but really, I felt I needed to take care of my daughters who were five and three years old. I did not feel I was in a place where I could truly process the magnitude of her death. To find that time and place is important. The psyche will wait, but in its discomfort to release dis-eased feelings, it will look for any opportunity for emotions to bubble up and be released.

As your anniversary arrives, it is not surprising to me that certain emotions start to be felt and, hopefully, acknowledged. Memories, good, bad, or neither may start to pop into your head. This is normal because the brain is like a computer. We store significant dates and when that date arrives, a file of all your experiences pertaining to this loss often opens.

As you acknowledge these memory bubbles, they will have the opportunity to subside and possibly even decrease the conscious or unconscious distress within your body and psyche. Remembering that there may be times that you truly cannot work on an emotional piece in your life, but that you promise yourself you will as soon as time permits, is sometimes the best you can do under the constant demands sent your way by the universe. Notice the bubbles that the unconscious sends, this will help dissipate the emotional dysregulation that may be causing the emotional discomfort.

Finding the time, somewhere on your path, to truly acknowledge your losses will be helpful and there are many ways in which people stop and allow emotional healing to happen. Thank you for taking this time now, this is also a way of stopping and taking a moment for yourself. This is a major aspect of personal healing. This is the goal.

Take care,

Ted

This article was published in The Taos News on April 16, 2015, and is republished here with permission by the writer, Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat, (575) 776-2024, a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Visit goldenwillowretreat.com/media-blog/teds-archived-articles/ for more of Ted’s articles.

Grief: A Redefinition of the Self

Wed, 26 Aug 2020 04:00:00 GMT

Most of us associate grief with death. The Cambridge English Dictionary defines grief as “very great sadness, especially at the death of someone.” Merriam-Webster defines grief as “deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.”

Certainly, grieving the physical death of a loved one is a unique and profound emotional journey.

However, according to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, and Founder and Executive Director of the grief healing center Golden Willow Retreat in Taos, NM, death is not the only loss that can stir up feelings of grief.

Wiard defines grief more broadly than the dictionary.

Grief, he says, is a redefinition of the self .

Self-Definition

Self-definition comes in many forms, and we human beings are instinctively attached to those forms. Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now and A New Earth, describes this fundamental childhood process:

Children learn the magic word ‘I’ and equate it with their name, which they have already equated with who they are. Then other thoughts [“me” and “mine”] come and merge with the original I-thought. This is identification with objects, which means investing things with a sense of self, thereby deriving an identity from them. When “my” toy breaks or is taken away, intense suffering arises. Not because of any intrinsic value that the toy has – the child will soon lose interest in it, and it will be replaced by another toy – but because of the thought of “mine.” The toy became part of the child’s developing sense of self, of “I.” As the child grows up, the original I-thought attracts other thoughts to itself, becoming identified with a gender, possessions, the sense-perceived body, a nationality, race, religion, profession, roles – mother, father, husband, wife – as well as accumulated knowledge or opinions, likes and dislikes, and also things that happened to “me” in the past, the memory of which are thoughts that further define my sense of self as “me and my story.”

Whether our self-definitions create a so-called positive self-concept ( I am healthy ) or a negative one ( I am the sufferer of an illness) , the familiarity of our story gives us comfort, and we naturally try to hold onto the familiar and resist the unfamiliar.

Affixing ourselves to that which we feel defines us is a universal human experience, as is the emotional turmoil we experience at the loss of those self-definitions. When we lose a part of ourselves, we suffer. We grieve.

Loss of Self-Definition

Death – the loss of the physical form – is one form of loss, and often an intensely painful one to grieve.

But, like self-definitions, loss can come in many forms. Loss can be sudden and traumatic, as in the case of divorce, unemployment, bankruptcy, public shame, or significant injury. Loss can also be subtle and gradual, as in the loss of expectation, confidence, comfort, hope, or familiarity. Any disappointment in the day could be considered a loss. Any dissonance between how we see ourselves and how the world reflects us could be felt as a loss.

At the onset of loss, a disturbance arises in the psyche, and this disturbance, however brief or enduring, may set off a process of grief, however intense or slight. When a previously-held belief about who we are dissolves through loss, our sense of ourself is disrupted, jolted, sometimes wrenched to its very core.

According to Wiard, acknowledging our losses, however small and seemingly insignificant, helps us clear out grief-related emotions so that they don’t accumulate in our psyche and contribute to overreactions or complications down the road. As the saying goes, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” Resentment, bitterness, grudges, clinging, resistance, depression, anger, self-justification, and denial may all be symptoms of redefinitions of self that have not been thoroughly processed and accepted.

The silver lining of grief is that loss is inexorably connected to gain; they are two sides of the same coin. The loss of a job through an unexpected layoff is also the opportunity for a potentially fulfilling career pivot. The loss of physical beauty and strength through the aging process is also the expansive gain of wisdom and perspective. The loss of a loved one through death is also the breaking open of the heart to let in more light and love.

Jesus taught that to find yourself, you must lose yourself: “Whoever tries to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve it.” – Luke 17:33

Grief, and the longing, confusion, fear, and suffering that characterizes the loss and redefinition of self, is also an opportunity for rebirth and healing. It is the doorway through which compassion, wisdom, and strength is possible. It is, according to Wiard, “the emotional path to step into our new life situation” with open minds and hearts.

Community Grief and Trauma

Thu, 13 Aug 2020 04:00:00 GMT

Q & A with Ted Wiard , LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat, a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss.

Q: It seems our town has had many deaths and strange events of loss lately. Does a community have a collective type of grief or what happens in these difficult times? What is the best way to work as a community to heal rather than cause more drama during times like this?

A: You bring up a great point about community grief and loss as a collective process. You are correct that when there is a sudden and often tragic loss, there is an impact for most people within a community. This can cause many different behaviors for individuals and groups within that community. Often, when there is an unexplainable or unthinkable event that rips through a town and its neighbors, there is a tendency to blame, gossip and jump into the drama and trauma, even if the story is not theirs. Gossip and blame happen when groups are trying to gather information and make sense out of something that does not make sense. Keeping to the known facts and not getting caught in the gossip is a great start to decrease extra fear, misinformation and difficulty for the people and families that are actually involved in the challenging event.

Blaming and taking sides is a way that our brain tries to make a situation feel safe. Blame is a way to take an emotional situation and turn it into a cognitive structure to give an illusion of safety in trying times. I believe the best way to help a community heal in the midst of grief is to avoid drama, blame, and hearsay. Finding true information and having compassion for all the people involved is important.

When there is an accidental death, a murder, car crash or other unexpected tragedies, there are many types of losses. Family members, the people actually involved, and other people intimately involved are all hurting and need the support of the community to help them walk through the shock, grief and trauma. Rumors and blame do not help the situation.

What can help is to take care of yourself, observe your own emotions that may have been triggered, and connect with healthy people so that isolation and misinformation does not wreak havoc throughout the area. Remembering that real people, not only stories, are hurting and may need help is a great place to start. Seek healthy community members to share ideas of support and find ways to reach out from offering food to silently sending good thoughts is how a community comes together and decreases the drama while increasing the healing for all.

On an endnote, I think in times like this it is important to check in with our young people and make sure they are getting support and to share feelings while being role-models of mature and healthy behavior. It is also a good time to remember how precious life is and show gratitude and acknowledge this to the people you care and love.

This article was published in The Taos News on April 30, 2015, and is republished here with permission by the writer, Ted Wiard. Visit goldenwillowretreat.com/media-blog/teds-archived-articles/ for more of Ted’s articles.

What to Wear to a Funeral – Men

Wed, 18 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

Grieving Over the Holidays

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

The holiday season can be an especially painful time for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. As a time of year that is marked by celebration and joy, knowing how to engage with and express your grief can be very difficult. Here are some things to do and to keep in mind to help cope with grief this holiday season.

Grieving Over The Holidays:

1. Decide which traditions you want to keep, and which you want to change.

During the holidays, certain traditions tend to remind us of lost loved ones more than others. In some cases, this can contribute to bittersweet reflection on times past; but sometimes they can be painful triggers. Be honest with yourself about which is which, and feel free to skip traditions that cause undue grief.

2. Acknowledge that the holidays will be different.

It is important to acknowledge to yourself that, following the loss of a loved one, the holidays will be forever changed in some way. They will never be exactly the same as before: a realization that may be hard to accept. However, try and keep in mind that these inevitable changes will become easier with time, and that each year will bring new memories and causes for joy.

3. Incorporate a new tradition to commemorate your loved one.

Create a new tradition to commemorate those you have lost with friends and family, or to carry out by yourself. By taking the time to think about how you want to remember your loved one, and incorporating a new practice into your holiday season, you will also be finding a way to keep their presence felt during the holidays through the preservation of their memory.

4. Be honest about what you DO & DON’T want to do.

The best way to avoid putting yourself in an unnecessarily stressful position over the holidays is by being clear and honest with friends and family about what you are comfortable celebrating. It is better to be up front about how you’re feeling and what you want to participate in than to force yourself to partake anyways to appease others. Your happiness is important, and friends and family will respect the choices you feel are best to make for yourself.

5. Don’t feel guilty about not participating!

Prioritize holiday events, and don’t feel pressured to over commit. During the holidays, we often feel obligated to participate in significantly more social activities than we normally do. If you don’t feel up to it, don’t force yourself to be!

6. Go to a grief support group.

When grieving in the midst of holiday cheer that feels as if it is around every corner, it sometimes helps to remember that you are not alone in your grief. There are many others out there who have also experienced a loss, and are trying to cope with their grief during this season. Going to a grief support group can act as a network of support during this time of year, where you can share your feelings and experiences with those who can empathize.

7. Remember it is okay to be joyful.

The holiday season is meant to be a time when we share with one another, and express our love and care for those who are important to us. Though you may be experiencing feelings of grief and loss, do not fight against feelings of happiness you may also feel during this time of sharing. When you are experiencing joy, this does not mean that you have forgotten those you have lost. Indeed, celebrating the season can in many ways be an act of remembrance and commemoration.

For More Resources, Interesting Facts And Information, Visit The Qeepr Community

Simple Sympathy Card Messages

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

When someone passes away, it is both a natural instinct and an act of social kindness to express words of sympathy to the family of the deceased. And yet, it can be very difficult to know what words to use to show how you feel, and let those who were closest to the deceased know that you care and are there for them. The words we choose can have a great impact on those who we wish to bring comfort to, so one should try to be thoughtful and clear when sending a message of condolence. Though there are a number of things that one could possibly say, it is often best to keep your message short, to the point, and above all, honest. Here are some simple sympathy card message ideas that will show how much you care, and demonstrate that you are there to offer support in a time of great loss.

Some Simple Messages:

Some Tips:

For more resources, interesting facts and information, visit The Qeepr Community

How to Express Your Condolences for a Loved One

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

This is a Guest Post by Suzie Kolber .

It can be difficult to know what to say when someone passes away. Death is often an uncomfortable topic, making it hard to express your feelings of condolence and sympathy to the survivor. Here are some effective ways you can express your condolences based on what is appropriate and what you feel the most comfortable with.

How to Express Your Condolences:

1. A Letter of Condolence

Back before technology made instant communication the norm, letters were the traditional way of expressing condolences. Even with the other options available, they are still a good way to show your support and concern. The main benefit with letters of condolences is that they can be read when it is convenient and re-read as often as needed. They can be shared with others to help with the grieving process.

When writing a letter of sympathy and condolence, you should always think about the person to whom you are writing as well as the deceased. Your letter should reflect the relationship you have or had with each person. Stay true to your personality. If you are a more formal person, then it is appropriate that your letter also sound more formal. On the other hand, if you are more laid-back and casual, your letter can also demonstrate that. Don’t be concerned that there is a right or wrong way to sound in a letter.

2. Messages of Condolence

Thanks to the internet, you can now send messages of support as soon as you hear the sad news of someone’s death. This allows you to offer support immediately, often when it is most needed. A quick text message or email can let the person know you heard the news and are offering your condolences without going into great detail. This is also a good method for those people that prefer short messages.

When writing a message, remember that you can keep it short and sweet. The person reading the message may be busy so it is acceptable to get right to the point. If you feel that you need to say more, you can follow up with a letter or phone call at a later time.

3. Flowers

If you do not know the family or didn’t know the deceased very well but want to express your condolences, it is perfectly acceptable to just send flowers or a financial donation to the organization of the family’s choice.

A simple card with a single message can convey your sympathies without requiring you to compose an entire message. This option is appropriate for many situations, including when the person is a co-worker that you only knew by name or someone you knew in passing in the community. Just make sure you include your full name so the person knows who the card came from.

4. A Phone Call or In-Person Visit

A phone call or personal visit is often the appropriate method of conveying your condolences when it is someone you knew very well or were related to. However, many people are not sure what to say and avoid the one-on-one interaction. The important thing to remember is that it is the fact that you called that the bereaved will remember more than what you say. In fact, don’t feel like you have to say a great deal besides “I’m sorry for your loss” or some other version.

If you are comfortable talking about the deceased, you can communicate your feelings to the person. It is appropriate to reminisce about special memories or occasions. You can even tell a funny story about the deceased person without feeling guilty. In fact, it may be just what the other person needed to hear after all of the somber moments and sadness they have been feeling.

5. Timing

The timing of when to express your condolences through the various methods can vary. There is no hard and fast rule. For instance, if you just heard about someone’s death even though it was six months ago, you can send a letter or email stating that you just learned of the news. You never know when your message could come at a good time to cheer them up. Grief extends long past the funeral or memorial service.

You can also prepare the way for a phone call or visit through a letter or message by saying that you will talk with them next week or in a couple of weeks.

6. Your Choice

Any of these methods are acceptable ways of expressing your condolences for a loved one. The choice is up to you based on the situation and what you feel most comfortable with. After all, it is more important that the bereaved feel your support than in how you choose to show it.

For More Resources, Interesting Facts And Information, Visit The Qeepr Community

7 Tips on How to Support a Grieving Person

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

How To Support a Grieving Person

Consoling a friend or loved one when they are coping with a great loss can be difficult. You may feel that nothing you say or do helps. This may especially be the case if you have not experienced such a situation before. Yet, your mere presence by the side of the grieving person could make a world of a difference if you know how to support them through grief.

Before you can do that, it is important to understand that it will take some time for the grieving person to accept the situation and realize the gravity of it. This is why you have to be patient. If you are pushy, that person may just want to shut you out. Instead, just make your presence known. Grieving is a gradual process and it may take longer than you anticipate for your friend or relative to come out of it.

It is easy to feel helpless when you want to comfort someone who is grieving. Sometimes you can easily say or do something that may exacerbate the situation although your intentions were good. This is why knowing how to support someone through grief is very important.

7 tips on how to support someone through grief:

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Coping with the Loss of a Coworker

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

When experiencing loss in the workplace, there are a number of different thoughts and feelings that arise. Losing a coworker can often feel like losing a member of one’s extended family. However, it may be unclear how and when to express feelings of loss and grief, as you are typically in an environment that is understood as “professional”. This can make it even more difficult to know how to engage with your grief. Here are a few ways that you can express your condolences and cope with the loss of someone who you worked with.

Expressing Condolences

Coping with Grief

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Grieving Children: Resources to Help Them & You

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

Resources to Help Grieving Children

The loss of someone we love can leave us speechless, distraught, physically and emotionally hurt. As adults, we have years of life experience under us and yet when someone around us passes away, all that experience ultimately seems moot. Death and loss have tremendous effects on us so one can only imagine, or try to imagine, what grief must be like for a child. Children are especially in need of support and that support can sometimes feel beyond our capabilities. We have put together a list of online resources that link to books, blogs and articles and further resources relating to grief support. Additionally, many of these resources are National and International non-profit and charity organizations that offer services to both parents and children. Finally, we have also included a list of local and National summer camps aimed specifically at grieving children and teens.

Grief Support Online/Programs:

When dealing with children it is important to understand the right approach towards grief counseling (not that any approach is necessarily the right one). Thankfully there exists a plethora of wonderful online resources as well as bereavement organizations on this list to help you. You can not only educate yourself but use their resources to allow your child to find their path towards wellness. Some websites are aimed at adults and will teach you to help and cope with a grieving child or teenager while others are aimed specifically at children and teens themselves.

Camps:

Grief camps have been growing in popularity amongst grief professionals and the reasons why are quite obvious. Camp is a time to forget about your troubles, meet new friends and enjoy new experiences. Couple this with experienced councillors and programs aimed at dealing with children’s grief and camp becomes an excellent option. Some of these camps are local day camps, some are camps that last one weekend per summer while others are summer-long sleepaway camps. Either way, many of these camps are supported by large organizations and are open to the public regardless of location.

For More Resources, Interesting Facts And Information, Visit The Qeepr Community

How to Write a Eulogy

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

There is little in life that causes as much stress as giving a speech. We have nightmares about it, we have support groups for it, we even have national organizations dedicated to celebrating those who can do it well. In the case of having to give a eulogy at a funeral, the pressure may seem even more intense. Of course there is the added gravity of it being a solemn occasion to honour and memorialize the deceased but, giving a eulogy is like giving any kind of speech. It can be nerve wracking, difficult or a walk in the park depending on your comfort level. However knowing how to even write a eulogy is half the battle. Once you’ve written it down, we promise the speech will be a breeze.

Remember that giving a eulogy is an honour. It is your chance to celebrate the deceased and your words are the chance to help everyone through the grieving process. A great eulogy celebrates a person’s strengths, their character, their impact on those present and their achievements in life. It takes strength and courage to deliver a eulogy but please, don’t stress! We are here to help you write a wonderful, beautiful and moving eulogy that will properly memorialize the deceased.

Eulogy Writing Tips:

1. Tone of your speech:

The tone of your eulogy is very important. Will your speech be somber and reserved or would you like to introduce some humour? This is where your knowledge of the deceased and their friends/family comes into play. A eulogy also does not need to be one or the other. As you will see, there is a place for humour as much as there is a place for somber reflection. If you use humour correctly, it can make for a memorable speech that will highlight the deceased’s qualities and personality.

2. Who is your audience:

It is said that religion, sex and politics should never be spoken in polite company, and truthfully, this probably holds true for eulogies. However you need to know your audience. If the eulogized was a devout Libertarian but it was the butt of a family joke, perhaps this would be appropriate to introduce in your eulogy. Know your audience and if something might seem a little risky, perhaps you should just leave it out.

3. Be organized and manage your time:

The general rule for eulogies is to keep them at around 3 to 5 minutes. However services may be different. If you are unsure, consult someone who is organizing the funeral. And organize your eulogy like you would a school paper, with an introduction, body and conclusion.

4. Proofread/re-read:

The best way to practice a speech is to re-read it out loud. Find a quiet room and a mirror and read your eulogy to yourself. Try and practice looking up and pay attention to your body language. You may have a nervous tick you weren’t aware of (some of us at Qeepr loudly tap our chair when speaking to the public. *ahem). If you can read your speech to someone else, that is also a great way to find and fix mistakes.

5. As for help:

If you’ve been asked to eulogize someone you may not know particularly well, say a co-worker, it is OK to ask friends and family for stories and anecdotes to help in your speech.

6. What to NOT say:

A reminder that a eulogy is not the time nor the place to “get revenge” on the eulogized. We all have complex relationships with people but the pulpit or stage is not the place to work those emotions out. If the person being eulogized may not have been quite so wonderful, try and find redeeming qualities to focus on. Moreover, try and avoid politics, religion or sex in your speech (look at our first and second tips and judge whether or not these topics may be appropriate to your particular audience).

How To Write a Eulogy

1. Introduce yourself:

Briefly introduce yourself, your relation to the deceased or to the family. You can also offer your condolences in the introduction.

2. Touch on key points about their lives:

What did they do for a living? Are they leaving relatives behind? Were they good parents, good students, accomplished musicians? This is where you should list their accomplishments or in Qeepr lingo, their Milestones . This is the place to introduce some superlatives about them.

3. Share a funny/memorable story or brief anecdote:

End on a strong note and share a funny, touching and memorable story about the deceased. Share a story about how they once rescued a kitten from a tree or about that time they climbed Mt. Washington but got caught in a storm. End on a positive note about what they accomplished in their lives and what made them so special to the people in the room.

4. Quotes:

You can open and/or close with a good quote. Quotes are a good opportunity to build a larger anecdote. For example you could take this line: “Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?” (Terry Pratchett), and end your speech on the subject of how and why we should keep that person in our memories.

Famous Eulogy Quotes

Eulogies are the perfect time to let someone else’s words reflect how we feel. Like poetry, music and film, we use the words of other people to convey emotions we ourselves might not know how to share. It also bonds us through common cultural knowledge. If all else fails, a quote from their particular religious holy book is a great place to look.

For more resources, interesting facts and information, visit The Qeepr Community

Physical & Emotional Symptoms of Grief

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

What is grief?

Grief is one form of dealing with loss. It manifests itself as emotional pain which can then lead to physical pain. Typically grief is associated with the death of a loved one: be it a significant other, family member, pet or even a colleague. Since this form of loss can be damaging both emotionally and physically, recognizing symptoms is an important step in the healing process.

Often you’ll hear people speak of the 5 Stages of Grief. This was a system developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. The stages include:

Denial: Refusing to accept the event.

Anger: Anger at the event itself or the people around you.

Bargaining : Saying “make this go away and in return I will do X”.

Depression: An arresting sadness in your life .

Acceptance: A final coming to terms with the event and moving on.

While this system has been and is extremely useful, not everyone deals with grief the same way. Now that we have a greater understanding of mental illness and its connection to grief and physical pain, it is clear that symptoms of grief will be different for everyone.

Some facts to keep in mind:

– 8 million people in the United States suffered through the loss of an immediate family member or spouse last year.

– Grief is one of the 4 major causes of depression

– 1 in 10 Americans will deal with depression at least once in their lives

– Depression can lead to higher rates of obesity, heart disease and strokes

– Women have higher rates of depression than men

How is grief manifested within ourselves?

1. Physical:

Physical pain can be a by-product of emotional pain. Physical reactions to grief can include crying, loss of appetite, fatigue, sleep loss, headaches, body aches and general weakness.

2. Emotional:

The emotional aspect of grief encompasses feelings of sadness, yearning, negative thoughts, anxiety, anger and guilt. These feelings are OK and normal for anyone during the grieving process.

3. Social:

Sometimes after a loss you may feel a detachment from people. This can be a detachment from loved ones, coworkers or even isolating yourself from society at large.

4. Spiritual:

This can be a loss of faith, a questioning of purpose, the meaning of life and death, etc.

How to cope with the Physical and Emotional symptoms of grief:

It is important to understand that grief is not permanent nor does it have a particular time frame. Some people recover from the effects of grief within weeks while it can take months or years for others. Feeling sad, lonely, afraid, stressed or depressed are all normal signs of grieving. Remember that it is OK to cry, OK to feel sad and OK to express your true feelings to others. Importantly, learning to cope with grief and coming to terms with it emotionally, will alleviate many of the physical symptoms. There are many ways to cope with grief including:

1. Talk about it:

Talking about how you feel is a healthy way of coping. Let your friends and colleagues know how you are feeling and do not be afraid to be personal with them. The danger with grief is in isolating yourself which increases feelings of loneliness and leads to physical pain.

2. Accept your feelings:

Accept that how you are feeling is normal. Start writing a journal or start a blog. You can write about your process, write about the person you lost and anything in between. Just the act of writing can be very beneficial and you may feel a large weight fall off your shoulders.

3. Take care of yourself:

This can be the hardest part. With loss comes depression and all the physical symptoms we discussed previously. Join a gym, start taking walks in the morning or evening, take the stairs instead of the elevator at work; anything to get yourself moving. Exercise has physiological effects on the brain and has proven benefits.

4. Reach out and celebrate:

Join a support group, help other people through their own loss (start a blog!), celebrate the person’s life, throw a party or visit their favourite restaurant!

5. Get help:

There is a fine line between temporary grieving and a general, prolonged depression. Talking to a professional can be very beneficial and can help you cope with emotional and physical pain. If negative feelings persist for a prolonged period of time you should speak with your doctor.

Do not be discouraged if you feel alone. Let people know that you need them to be there for you, even if it means in silence. The physical symptoms of grief can leads to dangerous consequences to your health and well-being so it is important to focus on your feelings and happiness. Grief is a normal process and sadness is OK! Remember that human beings are resilient and things will get better.

Top 10 Techniques to Overcome Grief

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

Grief is a natural emotion one experiences when facing the loss of a loved one. The grieving person can respond to loss both physically and emotionally. The person may go through various stages of grief, trying to cope with it as the time passes. Behaviors such as seeking isolation or lashing out at the nearest target are all normal during a period of grief. Everyone deals with grief differently.

Grieving is a very difficult time for the person who has lost his loved one. There are phases of depression, loneliness, isolation, guilt, anger and other such emotions. If there is no proper support system for people going through grief, it can be quite difficult for them to deal with it. Knowing how to overcome feelings of grief is very important for a person who has suffered a great loss.

Similarly, understanding how to overcome grief is also important for people who are going to support a friend or a family member going through a hard time. Providing constant support to the grieving person is important. You should show that you are there for them in their time of need and they will find the motivation to get over their loss.

10 Suggestions to Help You Overcome Grief:

1. Write Down Your Feelings

Writing is a great way to express yourself and your feelings. You can keep a journal, writing about your emotions whenever they arise. Similarly, you can try writing letters without sending them anywhere. You can also try making a list of things that happen during your day and how you feel about them. If you are unable to write down your feelings, you can also find artistic outlets to communicate your feelings. Creative outlets help address the turmoil you feel and let you know about the feeling you did not even know existed.

2. Find Something Fun to Do

Grieving is a very difficult phase, but it does not mean you have to punish yourself for what happened. It is important that you find activities that help you take a break and drive your focus away from your grief. Engage in activities that make you laugh and feel good. Laughing can help you relax. Though having fun will be the least of your concerns, during such painful time, doing activities such as playing with children, sketching a picture and engaging with nature will help enhance your mood.

3. Socialize

Maintaining an active social life is important when feeling sad and/or depressed. It steers you away from the cause of your stress and helps you relax. Similarly when you socialize and speak to others, you get a chance to let out all those bottled up feelings. Initially, socialization will seem extremely daunting to you, but with time, you will be able to enjoy the benefits of socializing.

4. Surround Yourself with Positive Influences

Positive things help you deal with grief in a much better manner. Being around the people you like and the things you like lifts your spirit and puts a smile on your face. For instance, if you like music, it is a good idea to get together with a few friends and listen to your favorite songs. Painting pottery, gardening and baking are great activities to do with friends or alone. If you can play an instrument, you can even have a jam session with your friends.

5. Plan your Days

Grieving may seem a daunting period to make daily plans. But such planning can help you in various ways. Jot down things that you may want to do immediately, set smaller goals and live your life one day at a time. Achieving these goals will let you feel a sense of fulfillment and more positive about yourself.

6.Talk to Someone

It is important that you let out your feelings. Writing about them is one way of doing this, but you can also talk to someone and share your feelings with them. Whenever a family member or friend visits you, share whatever is on your mind. Talking with a professional counselor is also a great outlet.

7. Exercise

When you are in grief exercising might the last thing you want to do. You will be surprised how helpful exercising can be when you are feeling down and depressed. This exertion helps you build energy and reduce fatigue. You may experience your mood improving, making it easier to deal with grief. There is no need to do extremely strenuous and challenging exercises. Keep the sessions small and fun.

8. Take Care of Yourself

As mentioned earlier, a person may respond to grief physically as well as emotionally. Ensure that you take proper care of yourself during this hard phase of your life. Get enough sleep to rest properly, eat healthy and perform activities that help relax your mind as opposed to spending the entire day in bed or locked inside your room.

9. Take time Out

You are grieving someone’s death. It is not an easy time for you. Some days will be brighter while others, quite dark. It is important that you know your limits, and not overdo things that damage yourself in the process. Let go of keeping up with the schedule that you follow normally. People will understand that you are not in the best state of mind to deliver commitments.

10. Learn about the 7 Stages of Grief

Perhaps the most effective technique for overcoming grief is learning about the 7 stages of grief. The 7 stages are:

Knowing these stages will let you know what to expect and deal with a situation in a better manner. You will be able to handle outside pressure more effectively. Read about the 7 Stage of Grief here .

These were the top ten methods to help you understand how to overcome grief. Now that you have the tools to help you overcome grief, you can adopt a few of the above mentioned methods to make this painful process a little easier for you. Or, if it is a friend who is going through a difficult time, you may find these tips on how to overcome grief helpful while you provide your support. Learn more about how to support someone through grief here .

For More Resources, Interesting Facts And Information, Visit The Qeepr Community

What to Wear to a Funeral – Women

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

Modesty and respect are the keys in how one dresses for a funeral. The clothes you wear say a lot about your respect and your condolence for the family and the deceased. Our culture leans towards extravagance and loudness in the way we dress, yet there are moments in life when simplicity is key. While how to dress during a trying period in your life may be the last thing on your mind, these simple tips and tricks should make the process of figuring out what to wear a lot easier!

What To Wear:

1. Dress:

Most women tend to wear casual or fancy dresses to funerals. For women, even an office wear business suit will do the trick. Make sure your dress has a minimum cap sleeve as exposing shoulders is considered in poor taste. If you are going to go sleeveless then you might want to consider wearing a shawl or oversized scarf. Pair your dress with black tights and NO LEGGINGS! Dress simple, dress smart and dress appropriately.

2. Color:

As with men, black is pretty standard. A dark purple, navy or grey is also more than acceptable. Look below for tips when attending a personalized funeral or a religious funeral service.

3. Makeup/Jewelry:

Makeup should be kept simple. Foundation, a bit of blush and black eyeliner should suffice. Avoid bright lipstick, if any at all. As with clothing, you’re makeup should not make you stand out. Jewelry is fine as long as it is kept to a minimum! A nice necklace or a few rings of any color should be fine.

4. Shoes:

Shoes are difficult as it will all depend on location, time of year and situation. Typically you can get away with simple flats. High heels are to be avoided but mid-level heels are fine. Your shoes should be black but anything dark that matches your clothing will be good. Make sure to give your shoes a good shine before you leave the house!

Religious Attire & Personalized Funerals:

Chances are you will have to attend a funeral for someone who is not a part of your faith community or cultural background. In these cases, it is probably a good idea to Google proper attire for these funerals. Jewish funeral services will require women to cover their heads with a scarf and sit in a different section than men. Some synagogues and funeral homes may provide complimentary ones at the entrance. Some Muslim funeral services may require you to remove your shoes before entering. Buddhist funeral services may have no dress code whatsoever. Many religious funeral services require women to dress very modestly and to cover bare skin.

A final note on personalized funerals. In recent years, many people have opted to have “fun” funerals or hold parties instead of traditional services. If this is the case, please contact the family to ask what is appropriate or use your best judgement and dress accordingly. You may not want to wear a black dress and fancy shoes, however you can always dress up with the intention of dressing down.

For More Resources, Interesting Facts And Information, Visit The Qeepr Community

Finding the Right Words to Express Sympathy

Wed, 11 May 2016 04:00:00 GMT

The loss of a loved one is an extremely difficult reality we must all face at one point in our lives. In those moments, there are very few things that could ease the pain. However, the right words, sent to people who are grieving, can be a great way to let them know you are there. People experience their grief, pain and loss in their own specific way. But communication with those around them can be crucial to overcome or ease the pain.

You should express your condolences by providing compassion, comfort, encouragement, help, and warmth. The way you do this is up to you and what you feel most comfortable with. You can opt for personal contact with those mourning by visiting their home, you can make a phone call, you can send a letter, appropriate gift or flowers, or you can write a sympathy card.

Finding the Right Words to Express Sympathy:

It often happens that grieving families or persons get a lot of sympathy cards with the same repetitive lines and sayings. Therefore your expressions of condolence need to be more honest, more personal and more original. Expressions of condolence and sympathy should be very intimate, and must follow the basic rule: say how you really feel.

It is best to express your compassion in form of written or printed sympathy card. Try not to send condolences in email or text messages, because to some it may lack the intimacy and personality will be felt. While writing, you should be focused on the people to whom you are writing to and the loss of their loved one. Be honest above all, remember the life that was lost and the achievements that have been left behind. Offer your help in a friendly or material form, give real comfort at least in words. But do not patronize, create additional depression and offer what you do not intend to carry out. The moment is too serious for easily pronounced phrases. Keep in mind that visiting someone’s home in such a delicate situation is not appropriate, unless you are really close to the mourners or tradition demands that.

Some Useful Ideas about the Content of Sympathy Card:

Here are some suggestions for things you may include in your sympathy note for the mourners:

– That you are praying for the deceased, together with their family.

– That you love and care about them.

– That you offer any kind of help and support, physical or emotional.

– That they can rely on you.

– If you personally knew the deceased, share nice memories about him or her.

– Point out that you will all miss the deceased.

– Point out that you are deeply and sincerely sorry about their loss.

Sympathy Cards:

Here is an example of the sympathy card that can help you find the right words when writing your own condolence note:

Give support and compassion to those who are grieving at a time when they need it most. Your compassion will ease the tremendous pain of losing someone you love. Be sure that your words of comfort in their moment of sorrow have immeasurable personal value.

For more resources, interesting facts and information, visit The Qeepr Community

Your Top Senior Care Resources

Wed, 06 Jan 2016 05:00:00 GMT

Resources for medical information, hiring a caregiver, finding a caregiver job, dealing with elderly family members and finding advocacy groups.

Funeral Pre-Planning: Why You Should Start Today

Wed, 06 Jan 2016 05:00:00 GMT

Planning for your death: you don’t want to think about, you’d rather pretend it will never happen, you put it off like you put off the dentist. But here is the cold hard truth: we are all going to die one day. We know you are so busy living your LIFE that planning for the end is a daunting burden. That is exactly what it can become for those you leave behind if you do not take a moment to look into your options. Think of it as your retirement fund. Organizing it before you can even think of retiring is unsettling, but once you daydream of the vacation home and the scuba diving, it can be quite appeasing. Planning your end of life wishes can actually be a positive experience; and you can even decide to have your remains placed in a coral reef!

How To Pre-Plan Your Funeral:

1. Take responsibility

You need to take responsibility for end-of-life care. Planning ahead is a responsibility; a simple thing you can do to relieve the stress on your family after your passing. While daunting, pre-planning takes a few steps and some financial arrangements. Pre-planning eliminates the guesswork for your family and makes your final wishes known and respected.

2. Personalization

Shot out of a canon, buried under the ocean or put in a pine box after a traditional service: what kind of funeral do you want? Stating your end of life wishes means the ability to choose exactly how you want to go and be remembered. Most funeral homes today offer pre-paid services where you can choose your casket, flower arrangements and wake and pay it off while alive. More than casket selection, personalization means deciding where you want a service held, what religious functions should or should not be included, who should act as pallbearers, what music you want played and if you would rather cremation or burial. Finally, having a proper will made out will help ensure that your end of life needs are met. A legally binding document, detailing you and your family’s plan will avoid headaches when cousin Billy decides he knows best what you had wanted done with your remains.

3. Alternatives

Funeral pre-planning means more than simply finding the right casket or booking the proper
religious service. Today’s options means that you have alternatives to traditional funeral offerings. As we wrote in our Top 10 New Funeral Trends , you can request eco-friendly water cremations, an at home funeral, natural burial in a green cemetery, writing out your life history , themed funerals and more. If any of these options appeal to you, pre-planning can take the difficult decision making out of your family’s hands. People choose alternatives for many reasons including environmental and personal and there are many resources available to help you choose what is best for you.

4. Expenses

Typical funerals run anywhere from 4000$ to 7000$ . Depending on your wishes (shot into space?), this cost may be lower or much higher. Many funeral homes allow you to pre-pay your funeral. Many allow you to lock in at a pre-arranged price in order to avoid future costs. So a 200$ casket today that rises in cost to 400$ will still only cost you 200$. However, Gail Rubin writes:

The pros and cons to pre-paying are discussed in Gail’s informative article. Funeral and life insurance policies may help cover most of the cost of your funeral, but exceptions can always occur. However, the less your family needs to worry about expenses, the easier it will be for them to grieve in their own time.

5. How?

Pre-planning means creating, documenting and sharing your wishes. Their are online services which can help, as can your local funeral professional. Creating a legally binding will that can be accessed upon your death ensures your final wishes will be met. Take the time to look at your options, spend time with your family discussing your wishes, contact a professional(funeral or insurance company) and write your decisions on paper. From here you can keep a copy of your wishes with your local funeral professional, lawyer or share multiple copies with loved ones.

Checklist:

For more resources, interesting facts and information, visit The Qeepr Community

The 5 Stages of Grief: Revisited

Wed, 06 Jan 2016 05:00:00 GMT

Just as the events that cause grief are diverse, so too are the ways in which it is felt. Revisiting the 5 Stages of Grief to explore loss response more fully.